One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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