I'm going to jail i love you
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
