ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
