I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We have started to decorate penises.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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