Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
