This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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