On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
