genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
