I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
