she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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