I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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