I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
