Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
