Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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