i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
