But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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