from now on my penis is your penis
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
