last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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