even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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