I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
