I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
