Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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