the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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