I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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