So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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