You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
