it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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