we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
