My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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