I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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