Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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