i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
