Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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