Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize