and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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