I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
We smell like vodka and hangover
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
