i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
my poor anus
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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