Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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