maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
