What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
