New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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