I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
