I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
