i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
