I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize