I'm so fucking centered right now
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
