This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
