At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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