Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
