I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Randomize
