New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize