I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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