I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
