Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
