the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize