I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
