I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bring me that man meat
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
