Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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