I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
