Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
