Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
