Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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