I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
